Life is not an AXE commercial!

What are guys thinking when they see an attractive woman? Yes, I know the "obvious" answer, but do they really think we are going to jump on them and spray them with AXE deodorant with the wind blowing in our hair. Or immerse them with water and sponge bath their bodies with AXE body wash on the soap aisle? The answer is no. We all know this, but why does AXE still give false hope to the guys out there that cannot get a girl?

When I was 21 I had two roommates, my one roommate was a bit odd, and asked me to shave his back when he was drunk. That is another post in itself. My second roommate Tom was the type of guy who wore whitewash jeans with a button down black shirt with flames on it, topping it off with a crazy amount of gel in his hair which made "Pauly D's" hair look natural. He had a porn collection that could stretch for miles, and loved the typical porn looking girl. If that is your kind of woman....great, but for this guy the closest thing he would ever get to a girl like that was Playboy or his blowup doll. Yes, I sound mean, but they played pranks on me constantly.

For example, our TV faced the front door, and whenever we would get pizza or takeout, I got suckered into answering the door. They would both run out of the room, turn on a dirty porn with the volume as loud as possible, leaving me to look like I am eating pizza and watching porn by myself. I would blush, shake my head and "try" to blame it on my roommates. The look on some of those delivery boys faces is one that will not be forgotten. And one went so far as to ask if he can join me? Yuck!!!

Anyway, back to AXE and Tom......Tom use to drench himself in AXE deodorant, the body spray, and the shower gel. He would walk out in those "dad" jeans, a flame shirt, and tennis shoes. The fumes radiating from his body reminded me of the ones you see off cartoons when someone smells bad. I had this image every time I saw him. Whenever you smell AXE, it's as if you just got punched in the nose by an old man. It is nauseating!

Finally, enough was enough. I could not handle it anymore. I was tired of my clothes and hair smelling like AXE whenever I left my apartment. I would try to cover up the scent with my own perfume, but had people give that terrible face, and ask "Who has perfume on?" I always cringed, and said "sorry."

Day in and day out he would complain about not having a girlfriend…. blah blah blah. I was sick of hearing him complain, and even more tired of knowing why he could not get a woman to come close to him.

I felt like "Cher" off "Clueless" when I asked him if we could have a makeover day. It took some convincing, but after I told him "real" women would talk to him in person, and not just on the phone late at night, he obliged. We went shopping for normal guy clothes, got a new haircut, and even bought new shoes that would go with his "everyday normal" outfits.

When he walked out of his room, I felt proud like Freddy Prince Jr. did in "She's all that" when Rachel Leigh Cook is coming downstairs made over. He looked amazing! The confident boost he had was a complete change. He felt so good about himself and could not stop smiling.

As we were walking out the door for coffee, I sniffed and asked. "What's that smell?" He said, "Oh, that is my new cologne by “Old Spice.” I found it near AXE, and thought I would try something different with my new look." All I could do was smile, and nod.

Why friends with benefits are bad for your health 10 years later, and not just for the obvious reasons….

People claim friends with benefits are not good for you, but what they fail to mention is what happens 10 years down the road. I do not mean some weird disease, I’m talking about that ONE booty call you would have for 6 months. You know, the one you are embarrassed to admit. The one that resembled “Eminem” from “8 Mile”. I “lost myself in the moment” with his K-Swiss, bleach blonde shaved hair, and jorts (jean shorts) . That movie ruined my taste in men for several months. 

I love shopping in my local supermarket. All the managers know me, I know all the staff, it’s great! "It's where everybody knows your name." I feel like V.I.P! When they see me about to check out with my groceries, they open lanes for me so I do not have to wait in line. (Yes, my sister makes fun of me for knowing everyone, but everyone needs to feel special from time to time.) My supermarket V.I.P. status came crashing down last Tuesday when the company decided to transfer all the current managers in my store. I was sad when I heard the news. Now my V.I.P. status will have to be regained. I walked in, talked to the new department manager, and looked on the wall to see who is running the store. To my horror, my old booty call’s picture was hanging proudly on the wall as a manager. (Glad to see he is doing something with his life, and hopefully put the jorts away forever, but that is doubtful) My mouth dropped. The whole "friends with benefits” thing was bad news. I ended it on a very bad note 10 years ago, and have not spoken to him since. I turned and walked down the toilet paper aisle with my four-year-old son in hand. As I was deciding about the double or triple-ply, I came face to face with my past. My past and present crashed like a head on collision. Yikes, there I was 19, and feeling vulnerable when I saw him. My mind raced….should I hide behind the toilet paper display, or ignore him and walk on by? He and I made eye contact and quickly turned the other way. For some reason, when something shocks me, I tend to make a crazy face with a creepy smile and hold my breath. This is why no one should ever give me a surprise party. Anyway, as I started breathing again, I heard laughing. “Jorts” is walking hip to hip with another new manager giggling while looking in my direction. The same laugh the mean girls did in high school when you got a new haircut and thought it looked good. Not only did I feel insecure, I now felt like I was 15, back in braces with frizzy curly hair. A feeling I have not experienced in many years since discovering my "Chi" and non-glitter eye shadow. How did I go from being an almost 30-year-old confident woman with a beautiful family, to a sad and awkward 15-year-old who wanted to run? My heart was pounding as my son asked if he could get Bubble Yum. I nodded "yes," with a blank look on my face. He probably could have gotten anything he asked for at that moment.

 

As I was looking at the candy section trying to get composed, my almost 30-year-old self returned to form. I kissed my son on the head, grabbed my handheld basket and walked with my son like any normal day. As I past “jort’s” checkout line, I tried to breathe normal, and not shake. I waved and smiled at him and said “Welcome to the store.” Relieved my voice did not crack; I quickly turned and checked out at a different lane, and walked out the door. It was a feeling of relief to know I handled it like “an adult.”

The next time I went to the store, we still ignored each other, but at least if I have an issue with my coupons or a price check, it will not be the first time we speak. So, I guess my advice to all you ladies having “booty calls” is; when you see them 10 years later, face the problem. Don’t hide behind the toilet paper display hoping somehow you will become invisible. Also, what a relief to know your “8 Mile” phase is over, and put to rest!!!

*Just a day in my life……Michelle Katherine Mae