Friday, June 15, 2012

"C" stands for cheater

As "Rumor Has It", was playing, I could not help but think of my new friend who's ex-husband was dating a 23 year old, and he himself being 45. Wow, how stereotypical right? The husband who goes and cheats, but what about the wife who goes and cheats? Is that so unheard of? Exceptions are made for men, but why not women? I recently spoke to my friend who, went through a rough divorce. “Rough”, not being for her, but for her ex-husband. Marriage is special, I admit, but why do women cheat? Does it make us feel empowered, or strong?

I asked my friend what the "high" was off cheating, and she could not explain it. She said "it felt great to be back in the game" and she knew she settled. How sad....right? But how many ladies feel like they "settled?" Do you feel lonely, thinking you are the only ones? And then I cannot help but think about the "virgins." What if you get stuck with someone with a small penis? Are you going to be happy? Are you going to feel sexy and fulfilled? And please, do not give me "size does not matter, the motion of the ocean matters," because honey, we know that is a lie you tell yourself. Men with "small" bits and pieces like to give that line. Width is the most important measurement…..just saying.

I have experienced small bits and pieces and I am so thankful I did, because what would have happened if I thought that was "sex?" How terrible! Every time I watched a "Twilight" movie I would be depressed. That guy did not break any headboards, let alone come close to giving me an orgasm. I had to ask if he was "ready" because it looked flaccid. When he told me he was "good to go," I felt bad for asking. I could not tell, and honestly, that relationship was short-lived. Yikes...No pun intended.

Have movies ruined ladies for life? I mean, we see these guys having passionate sex with their partners, and everyone looks like they are really enjoying themselves being thrown around yelling in different languages, BUT that is not real!

I apparently am awkward, and do not know how my husband found me attractive. I mean, I wish I was sexy. I feel like I look like Taylor Swift trying to be sexy. Granted, I'm a cute little lady, but not a Kim Kardashian. I feel like Seth off the O.C. when he and Summer finally have sex, "limbs everywhere." That is me. So, am I doing it wrong, or am I just not letting go? My friend did tell me, she could feel "free" with her many accomplishments and even ran the show many times.

Is that the problem with us "married" ladies, or do women in general hold back? I admit in my younger days (early 20's) I was the "cat's meow." I was good at what I did, and enjoyed it. Now being 28, I just want to be able to sleep without being touched. How terrible is that? My poor husband, what a good man he is, and such a patient man. He can tell when I am good to go, but why does it take a bottle of wine to get me going? Am I bored, or stuck in a routine.....maybe, but I am happy.

Sex is sex. Sure, I fantasize about some men and breaking headboards, I won't lie, but men will be men. All their gross and annoying habits will come out. Even if you are Justin Timberlake and can "rock my body" how I think you can. You still will have to poop, toot, and be smelly all in your own way. So, why cheat when all men seem to be the same? The penis can only blind you for so long. So, before you make a huge mistake/ life decision, get batteries for that stimulator and know the "honeymoon phase" will only last for so long, and your new guy will become an old penis you are ready to cheat on, and never look back.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The 3-piece suit

My word of advice for today is; Men-- If you want to look hot in a three piece suit, you want to look like "Justin Timberlake," not "Steve Harvey."

Just a thought......

Monday, June 4, 2012

Life is not an AXE commercial!

What are guys thinking when they see an attractive woman? Yes, I know the "obvious" answer, but do they really think we are going to jump on them and spray them with AXE deodorant with the wind blowing in our hair. Or immerse them with water and sponge bath their bodies with AXE body wash on the soap aisle? The answer is no. We all know this, but why does AXE still give false hope to the guys out there that cannot get a girl?

When I was 21 I had two roommates, my one roommate was a bit odd, and asked me to shave his back when he was drunk. That is another post in itself. My second roommate Tom was the type of guy who wore whitewash jeans with a button down black shirt with flames on it, topping it off with a crazy amount of gel in his hair which made "Pauly D's" hair look natural. He had a porn collection that could stretch for miles, and loved the typical porn looking girl. If that is your kind of woman....great, but for this guy the closest thing he would ever get to a girl like that was Playboy or his blowup doll. Yes, I sound mean, but they played pranks on me constantly.

For example, our TV faced the front door, and whenever we would get pizza or takeout, I got suckered into answering the door. They would both run out of the room, turn on a dirty porn with the volume as loud as possible, leaving me to look like I am eating pizza and watching porn by myself. I would blush, shake my head and "try" to blame it on my roommates. The look on some of those delivery boys faces is one that will not be forgotten. And one went so far as to ask if he can join me? Yuck!!!

Anyway, back to AXE and Tom......Tom use to drench himself in AXE deodorant, the body spray, and the shower gel. He would walk out in those "dad" jeans, a flame shirt, and tennis shoes. The fumes radiating from his body reminded me of the ones you see off cartoons when someone smells bad. I had this image every time I saw him. Whenever you smell AXE, it's as if you just got punched in the nose by an old man. It is nauseating!

Finally, enough was enough. I could not handle it anymore. I was tired of my clothes and hair smelling like AXE whenever I left my apartment. I would try to cover up the scent with my own perfume, but had people give that terrible face, and ask "Who has perfume on?" I always cringed, and said "sorry."
Day in and day out he would complain about not having a girlfriend…. blah blah blah. I was sick of hearing him complain, and even more tired of knowing why he could not get a woman to come close to him.
I felt like "Cher" off "Clueless" when I asked him if we could have a makeover day. It took some convincing, but after I told him "real" women would talk to him in person, and not just on the phone late at night, he obliged. We went shopping for normal guy clothes, got a new haircut, and even bought new shoes that would go with his "everyday normal" outfits.

When he walked out of his room, I felt proud like Freddy Prince Jr. did in "She's all that" when Rachel Leigh Cook is coming downstairs made over. He looked amazing! The confident boost he had was a complete change. He felt so good about himself and could not stop smiling.
As we were walking out the door for coffee, I sniffed and asked. "What's that smell?" He said, "Oh, that is my new cologne by “Old Spice.” I found it near AXE, and thought I would try something different with my new look." All I could do was smile, and nod.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Why friends with benefits are bad for your health 10 years later, and not just for the obvious reasons….

People claim friends with benefits are not good for you, but what they fail to mention is what happens 10 years down the road. I do not mean some weird disease, I’m talking about that ONE booty call you would have for 6 months. You know, the one you are embarrassed to admit. The one that resembled “Eminem” from “8 Mile”. I “lost myself in the moment” with his K-Swiss, bleach blonde shaved hair, and jorts (jean shorts) . That movie ruined my taste in men for several months. 
I love shopping in my local supermarket. All the managers know me, I know all the staff, it’s great! "It's where everybody knows your name." I feel like V.I.P! When they see me about to check out with my groceries, they open lanes for me so I do not have to wait in line. (Yes, my sister makes fun of me for knowing everyone, but everyone needs to feel special from time to time.) My supermarket V.I.P. status came crashing down last Tuesday when the company decided to transfer all the current managers in my store. I was sad when I heard the news. Now my V.I.P. status will have to be regained. I walked in, talked to the new department manager, and looked on the wall to see who is running the store. To my horror, my old booty call’s picture was hanging proudly on the wall as a manager. (Glad to see he is doing something with his life, and hopefully put the jorts away forever, but that is doubtful) My mouth dropped. The whole "friends with benefits” thing was bad news. I ended it on a very bad note 10 years ago, and have not spoken to him since. I turned and walked down the toilet paper aisle with my four-year-old son in hand. As I was deciding about the double or triple-ply, I came face to face with my past. My past and present crashed like a head on collision. Yikes, there I was 19, and feeling vulnerable when I saw him. My mind raced….should I hide behind the toilet paper display, or ignore him and walk on by? He and I made eye contact and quickly turned the other way. For some reason, when something shocks me, I tend to make a crazy face with a creepy smile and hold my breath. This is why no one should ever give me a surprise party. Anyway, as I started breathing again, I heard laughing. “Jorts” is walking hip to hip with another new manager giggling while looking in my direction. The same laugh the mean girls did in high school when you got a new haircut and thought it looked good. Not only did I feel insecure, I now felt like I was 15, back in braces with frizzy curly hair. A feeling I have not experienced in many years since discovering my "Chi" and non-glitter eye shadow. How did I go from being an almost 30-year-old confident woman with a beautiful family, to a sad and awkward 15-year-old who wanted to run? My heart was pounding as my son asked if he could get Bubble Yum. I nodded "yes," with a blank look on my face. He probably could have gotten anything he asked for at that moment.
As I was looking at the candy section trying to get composed, my almost 30-year-old self returned to form. I kissed my son on the head, grabbed my handheld basket and walked with my son like any normal day. As I past “jort’s” checkout line, I tried to breathe normal, and not shake. I waved and smiled at him and said “Welcome to the store.” Relieved my voice did not crack; I quickly turned and checked out at a different lane, and walked out the door. It was a feeling of relief to know I handled it like “an adult.”
The next time I went to the store, we still ignored each other, but at least if I have an issue with my coupons or a price check, it will not be the first time we speak. So, I guess my advice to all you ladies having “booty calls” is; when you see them 10 years later, face the problem. Don’t hide behind the toilet paper display hoping somehow you will become invisible. Also, what a relief to know your “8 Mile” phase is over, and put to rest!!!
*Just a day in my life……Michelle Katherine Mae